Drawing a Blank

“I don’t know what to do.” This is a statement I hear every day more than once. Then I hear “I’ve got to figure it out somehow”. I call this drawing a blank or the "Gap Theory." Something seems to be missing. But is it? What if something isn’t missing?

What do I do then? I fill in the blank; i.e. I personally draw the blank as a creative act, the blank doesn’t draw itself or reveal itself as empty because something is missing. By acting on what is not missing, I will, as a result, change the way I speak and enable myself to see something (at least as far as the headlights on a car reveal at night.) The lights on my car aren’t missing even though it’s dark and I don’t fear what is ahead because I have decided to go rather than "just going."

So what was really missing? My decision to go, not the going. If I go without choosing, only going because I feel I have to, I have no meaning until some outcome. However, by then (by the time there is some outcome) I'm often so miserable that I can’t enjoy it or see the meaning in what was done/has occurred. Because of this I have to look for something else to replace what seemed to be missing in attempt to feel better.

So what was really missing? I was missing. I was missing because the decision was necessary to obtain the meaning in the act of going, not the going. The going brings understanding, but without the decision, there is no meaning to me, only the act exists without a living encounter for me.

I must decide to draw the blank as " creative act in thought", choose to fill it in, and go with the meaning.  

Life will then discover you so that you are no longer missing.

Go to the gap and fill it. Blankety-blank…

Way In To Begin

We tend to look outward first in trying to get over something that we can't seem to get over. If that doesn’t work we look in the mirror. If that doesn’t work we look inward until we get past the harsh “Win a few, lose a few”  attitude to compassion.  Moved by this inward compassion the darkest clouds open up.  The ways' words are often in the Word's way. The wayward is inward. He came to save the wayward within.

Overcome! is to come over. Cross! The words of the cross are compassion and patience, first toward myself as the least of these.

To begin again within is to step into what had already begun.

December 21st- My Father's Day

Today my dad would have been 80 years old. He was born this day in 1931 and passed away at the young age of 62. I've been thinking since yesterday about what I might write about him and even now as I sit at the computer, words are hard to come by.  Through the years as I've compared other fathers to mine, I've only found myself wishing their children could experience even a taste of the one I had--because of who and what my dad was to and for me. Many of my friends called my father their father, if they were ever in need or trouble. Our home was a safe haven for the kids in my class.

If there ever was an opportunity to use a model for fatherhood to a son, it was he. I look back on my childhood never wondering why I missed out on anything. He was the consumate father and man. A man's man.  A son's father.

The last several years of my life have been spent raising 3 daughters and mentoring scores of other young men and women in ways that I was taught by dad. He gave me the example and shoulders to stand on while living that out in my own ways. I couldn't mentor the way I do without growing up under him and later being given other mentors in my late 30s through the present time. Virtually every day in my imagination, I see my father with those I meet as if he's there instead of me. The power he instilled in me has given me a stamina with others that often surprises me.

I always wanted to be like him when I grew up, yet he taught me I would never grow up being like him, but being me. That took into my 30s and early 40s to understand. I thought it was about success, but you don't have to grow up like your father or anyone else to have that. I found out it was through failure that I would learn who I really was rather than what I could do or be or imitate.

All I can end with is: Wow! Dad. You were, therefore I am.

My Sister Lore

Lore passed away 7 years ago today a few minutes after we had talked on the phone. I was waiting for her to call me back. She hung up to talk with my mother who just came in. It was unexpected though she had suffered physically for many years and suffered financially without health insurance. I often spoke with her about the woman in Mark 5 who was in a similar position. I sent her the 9th chaper in the Pursuit of God by Tozier when she was around 35. It's titled Meekness and Rest and is one of the most powerful chapters written in any book outside of scripture to me. To see her embrace her faith and her own beauty at even deeper levels after reading that was stunning.

Lore's faith was as real as anyone that I had known. The two ministers who spoke at her funeral each prayed for the faith she displayed in her life and suffering. The intimacy I shared with her was unparalled in unconditional love and tenderness. Nothing had to be hidden. Laughter was a part of joy and sorrow that kept a vital balance internally and eternally for her and me even if temporarily lost by feelings or circumstances.

Even to this day I continually think of her when I try to imagine what it's like to be away from the body and with our Lord spoken of by Paul in 2 Corinthians 5. Knowing whom she is with is how that imagination transcends doubt into hopeful anticipation. Through Lore to Christ is how my mind is often comforted or stabilized on any given day.

She was 43 with the heart and imagination of a child we're called through to Christ. The fountain of her youth never stop flowing by tears and laughter, repentence and forgiveness.

Memories of her put her as the woman in the mirror when I am unable to find the man in the mirror who has the son in him.

Tell Me More

After listening to what someone said and then saying to them "Tell me more.", you are redirecting them to trust their spontaneity rather than shutting them down in their certainty. This inspires creativity when something is needed more than what is known by what was said.  We tend to only respond to what is said or not said oftentimes unknowingly creating the sense of argument rather than being heard. "Tell me more." is saying yes to what can be discovered rather than aquiescence to a possible bad idea or viewpoint.

The Fearful Gift of Fear

When fear of the future becomes a simple fear without thought of the future, one begins to look back differently. By differently I mean that we typically look back through images that have become not only fixed in our mind, but fixed to certain emotions. That is why when we feel a certain emotion, a prejudice from our memory from fixed images causes us to react without discerning what is happening in real time. Our memory, then, clouds our discernment. Fear is given as a vehicle for enlightenment, as well as guidance toward adjustment and/or adaptation to what is real. When that fear is uncorrupted, it combines and involves both the old and the new (images). As fear of the future becomes simply fear, we begin to look back and memories come to mind with images and emotions that aren’t fixed. This allows us to separate (and integrate) real time images and emotions into the scene while involving the past to help navigate "back into the future", especially in a crises or in what appears as one.

When the Lord tells us, "Do Not Fear"- in it's essence it means without simple fear, we can't know who we really are in the now with the confusing images and emotions as well as this path we can tread with nothing to fear, afraid or not.

The "gift” of fear in its simplicity, acts as a blueprint that allows us to (begin to) look back with understanding rather than regret. This simple fear turns into a broader perspective needed; thus, a mountain appears as a majestic, exciting adventure to ascend, rather than fearing how to descend afterwards. Once we begin to ascend, there is mountain of fear, doubt, and disappointment over the past to descend.  Refusing this descent will create confusing anger from a narrow-minded paralyzing intellectual-only assent.

There "ain’t no mountain high enough" to descend only intellectually with no regret. Restore the spirit of adventure before the next adventure so that what’s found is higher ground with a sound that is so familiar that the anxiety-driven contempt of fear of the fear is grounded down.

Dialogue

Taking a bite out of mime.

Counterintuitive Witness

Looking for opportunities to act inconsistently with others' negative perceptions.

Motivational Listening

Getting people inspired to remember what they didn't say that they could have in order to be prepared the next time to say what they really mean and how to say it. I call this method unlearning in order to learn something new where the old must be removed without compromising the Truth. When heard, we begin to remember things we already know that we suppressed and we have something in the deep sense of recognition that gives us a truer foundation on which to rebuild. New beginnings are heard. Discovery in recovery.

Mom and Eye

I drove 4 hours round trip to spend a couple of hours with my Mom today in Murray, Ky.  She has the wisdom of Solomon and is as sharp as a tack. Though tired, she welcomed me and was intensely attentive. She knew I needed to talk as she reflected on her 1st date with my father and how 6 months later they were married.  My ears seemed to open up like eyes as I listened to Mom in ways that seemed more like radar than hearing. I sensed things that appear to be appearing rather than things that already are.  My next venture will be about "what will be" more than the venture that just ended which was about "what is."  While listening to her speak about the past, I realized the importance of my new undertaking of learning how to draw (something I have never done before).  In learning how to draw by pencil, I free my imagination to write more fluently; therefore, my mind is clearer and freerer. Similarily, strange as it seems, learning this new method opened me up to something old: the past.  I've been listening to my past for months now in ways that connect me to who I now am in order to impact others in a more effective way. Discovering the themes of my life as I recover from recent years' events seems to be a path of  much resistance upon which I'm learning to resist the resistance.

For example, yesterday, I even walked around the Freshman dorm where I first lived at Vanderbilt to relive a fear I had at 18, which was a new kind of fear for me at that time. Something resonated in me about that fear that I needed to revisit; even today, this fear seemed to make me feel off-balance . I knew I needed to go talk with Mom because of it, and I have yet to understand its meaning  even after our visit. But I know I will see eye to I soon.

Patient Patient

The  fearful time of the unknown when it is clear that it is unclear reveals that I have had control taken away from me or that I have given it up. Either is a sign of progress.  Why could this be progress? The extreme focus to control limits my perspective to see what possibilities exist that seem impossibilities but aren't. They just are discovered by deeper perception that control limits. The obvious exception is in crisis when no time to reflect exists.

Following the Lead

Come dance with me. Psalm 30:10-12 But before we dance, laugh with me. Job 8:20-21 If you can’t laugh, you might be a good dancer but you can’t follow as a leader because you take yourself too seriously(self-absorbed). Joy is the strength leading us out of the old song and dance routine of a life of mediocrity. Nehemiah 8:10-11

Fall

I was meandering through my front yard today in this second day of Fall and saw something fall about 25 feet from one of the trees into the creek with a thump. It looked like a squirrel that landed on its back though I had never seen that happen before. I went over in order to see up close and there was a squirrel on its feet which ran back up the tree as it saw me. I thought "That is nuts!" and then I realized it was just a squirrel in the fall.

Relationship Building

The success in relationship building tends to be thought of as "scouting out" someone, watching how he or she reacts or has reacted to others, or by their habits and disciplines. While this helps, it is rarely how a lasting meaningful relationship is built, especially one that we can influence and not be distracted by opinion. What is important to recognize are the patterns one has of interaction with and reaction towards us specifically. While these patterns may appear similar to past and current relationships that the other has, our actions, not reactions, are what begin to develop the relationship in a much deeper and more influential way.